The Carper

It’s Cardboard, Bro by Flama Blanca
April 12, 2012, 4:20 pm
Filed under: Sports

During my internetting today, I came across this article about a Bryce Harper rookie card. Then, I puked.

Now, I don’t have the same problem with this that many will cry about. I don’t give a single solitary shit that Bryce Harper’s rookie card is going to sell for $25k before he has had a Major League at bat. Nope, not one shit. That’s the media shitstorm that we live in. Hell, I didn’t care when I was paying top dollar for a Todd Van Poppell rookie card back in the day, why hate on this?

I’ll tell you why. Because Bryce Harper is a douchebag. I could hide behind the “he hasn’t done anything yet” argument like everyone else does, or I can tell it like it is. This is a big deal because Bryce Harper is an egomaniacal, 20 year old, bro asshole and nothing else. I don’t remember coming across an article on the FRONT PAGE of Yahoo! when Strasburg’s rookie card sold for some rigoddamneddiculous number. but because Harper wears stupid eyeblack and blows kisses at opposing pitchers that he hit missles off of, this becomes news. As many before him have proven, dickheads(ARod, Bonds, Allen Iverson, etc.)=readers. The thing about Harper, though, is I don’t see him as particularly polarizing like the others, since his douchedom is universally accepted. There won’t be anyone jumping up making a “Leave Bryce Alone!” youtube any time soon. The only question is whether or not he will be good, not whether or not his face is begging to be punched.

So, 40 year old guy who is bidding on eBay for this thing from his mom’s basement, here’s to you. I hope this son of a bitch get’s Brien Taylor’d.


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[…] had the wherewithall to display their bare asses for all of America to see. Bryce Harper, he of the retardedly priced rookie card, collected his first Major League hit. I love these guys for making the double he launched to […]

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