The Carper

Fossil Wins Major League Baseball Game by Flama Blanca
April 18, 2012, 9:30 am
Filed under: Current Events, Sports

Jamie Moyer – “Moyer pitches himself into record books. Soft-tossing lefty becomes oldest winning big league hurler”

People are going nuts for this, and I can see why. It’s pretty cool to see a guy that’s almost 50 and doesn’t throw as hard as I do win a big league game. So I was going to go the same route as everyone else and make fun of his age like a hack (his rookie card is written in SANSCRIT! LOLZ). However, my journalistic prowess uncovered something even more interesting.

So I was poking around to find someone who is viewed as old that was born on the same day as Moyer to be like “OOOOHHHH look how old this bastard is!”, and guess what I found? You know who has the same birthday as Jamie Moyer? KIRK HAMMETT. That’s right, Metallica lead guitarist (and owner of an oddly feminine voice), Kirk Hammett. I don’t know about you, but I was floored. The metalest of metal bands has guys in the band that are like 50. Crazy. This must be what my parents felt like when the Stones started to look like walking corpses. Can you imagine when we wake up and Kanye is like 65, wheeling his ass in a Louis Vuitton Little Rascal? Cray, indeed.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Jamie Moyer. Congratulations, big guy. This Ensure’s for you.


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