The Carper

There’s a bacon shortage? by Flama Blanca
September 25, 2012, 12:00 pm
Filed under: Current Events, Food

via CTV News – If you’re a lover of bacon, sausage or pork chops, you might want to stock your freezers now.

A pork industry trade group in Britain is warning that the world is headed for a pork shortage, all because of a summer of desperately low rain in the U.S.

According to the National Pig Association in Britain, pig farmers in the U.K., who rely on corn and soy exports from the U.S. to feed their animals, are drastically culling their herds in the wake of the drought that destroyed thousands of feed crops across the U.S. corn belt.

I laugh at morons that talk about the “zombie apocalypse” like it’s a real thing. Zombies do not exist, nor is it cool to pretend that they do. But this? This is fucking real deal Holyfield. If I am to believe that there is truly a bacon shortage, I would advise to all who know me to steer clear of me until this thing shakes out. There is a legitimate chance that I will straight up cut you to get my fix. Forget taxes, immigration reform, or government spending – if a candidate rus on a platform to stomp out this travesty I don’t care who they are, they have my vote.


PUKE CITY! Cool Ranch Dorito Taco Spotted in California by Flama Blanca
September 19, 2012, 10:30 am
Filed under: Food, Pics, Ridiculous

I was flipping through this morning, and came across this allegedly authentic culinary abortion. While I was kind enough to do you the service of writing a review of the Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell, I will not ever be doing the same if this piece of shit ever comes into my area. Why, you ask? Because Cool Ranch Doritos are the single most disgusting snack food on planet earth. At least original Doritos kind of taste like cheese. You know what Cooler Ranch Doritos taste like? COOL RANCH DORITOS. You have never eaten anything in your life and likened it to these dusty son of a bitches, because the flavor is (1) exclusive to the product and (2) absolutely fucking horrible and has no reason to be duplicated. So, Taco Bell, fuck off with this nonsense.

PS – Just kidding Taco Bell. You know I love you.

Stove Top Mac&Cheese by Dutch
September 12, 2012, 12:30 pm
Filed under: Food

If your mouth isn’t watering from that picture, you’re probably dead.  This is by far my favorite recipe and I’m being gracious enough to share it with you courtesy of The Food Network.

What you need:

  • 1/2 pound elbow macaroni
  • 4 tablespoons butter (I substituted this for spray butter which has zero calories)
  • 2 eggs
  • 6 ounces evaporated milk
  • 1/2 teaspoon hot sauce
  • 1 teaspoon kosher salt
  • Fresh black pepper
  • 3/4 teaspoon dry mustard
  • 10 ounces sharp cheddar, shredded

What to do with it:

In a large pot of boiling, salted water cook the pasta to al dente and drain. Return to the pot and melt in the butter. Toss to coat.

Whisk together the eggs, milk, hot sauce, salt, pepper, and mustard. Stir into the pasta and add the cheese. Over low heat continue to stir for 3 minutes or until creamy.


Spice-Rubbed Grilled Chicken With Tomato-Cucumber Relish by Dutch
August 29, 2012, 12:00 pm
Filed under: Food

This dish is straight up KILLER.  You’ll not only be seen as cultured, but diverse.

What you’ll need:

1 teaspoon cracked cumin seeds

1 teaspoon cracked coriander seeds

1 teaspoon cracked mustard seeds

1 medium tomato, diced small

1 cucumber, peeled and seeded if desired, diced small

1 teaspoon minced fresh chile pepper of your choice

1/2 cup fresh lemon juice

1 tablespoon sugar

Kosher salt and pepper, to taste

1 teaspoon ground turmeric

1 tablespoon ground ginger

1 tablespoon chile powder

1 tablespoons curry powder

8 bone-in chicken thighs, about 8 ounces each

What to do with it:

1. Build a fire in your grill; when the coals are all covered with gray ash and the temperature is medium-hot (you can hold your hand 5 inches above the coals for 3 to 4 seconds), you are ready to cook. (For a gas grill, turn all burners to high, lower cover and heat for 15 minutes, then turn burners to medium-high.)

2. While fire heats, make the relish: In a small saute pan, toast the cumin, coriander and mustard seeds over medium heat, shaking frequently to avoid burning, until they begin to darken slightly and you can smell them. Remove from heat, allow to cool slightly, then combine in a medium bowl with the tomato, cucumber, chile pepper, lemon juice, sugar and salt and pepper to taste. Toss gently to combine and set aside.

3. In the same small saute pan, toast the turmeric, ginger, chile powder and curry powder over medium heat, shaking frequently to avoid burning, until mixture begins to darken slightly and you can smell it. Remove from heat, and allow to cool slightly.

4. Sprinkle chicken generously with salt and pepper, then rub toasted spices all over it, pressing gently so they adhere.

5. Put the thighs on the grill directly over the coals, skin down, and cook until skin is crisp, about 8 minutes. Flip and cook until there is no pink near the bone, 6 to 8 minutes. To check for doneness, cut into one thigh and peek. Remove from heat and serve with the relish.

Recipe to kick off football season, Honey Mustard Wings by Dutch
August 8, 2012, 1:32 pm
Filed under: Food

Picture of Gina's Honey Mustard Kiss Wings Recipe

So ask anyone who knows me and they’ll say I’m a traditional wings kind of guy.  I like my wings like I like women, hot and saucy.  But these caught my eye and I had to give them a shot.  These are hands down my new #2 favorite kind of wings, ahead of jerk wings and asian fusion style.  Just unbelievable taste and for some reason, they’re sticky as hell.  I could literally throw one on the ceiling and it would still be there at the end of the season.  I really think these wings can be a substitute for duct tape, hands down.  These are 100% Dutch approved.

What you need:


  • 1/4 cup Neely’s Barbecue Sauce
  • 1 tablespoon finely grated orange zest
  • 1/4 cup hot sauce
  • 1/4 cup honey
  • 1/4 cup Dijon mustard
  • 3 pounds chicken wing drumettes, patted dry with paper towels


  • 3 tablespoons butter
  • 1/4 cup honey
  • 2 tablespoons Dijon mustard
  • 4 thinly sliced green onions, for garnish

What to do with it:

Mix the barbecue sauce, orange zest, hot sauce, honey, and Dijon together in a large bowl. Add the chicken wings and toss to combine. Cover with plastic wrap and let marinate for at least 30 minutes and up to overnight in the refrigerator.

Prepare the grill to medium direct heat.

Drain the wings from the marinade and pat dry. Grill until crisp and golden, about 8 minutes per side.

While the wings are grilling, melt the butter in a small saucepan on the grill. Whisk in the honey and mustard. Brush the glaze on the wings and allow to cook for another 2 minutes. Serve the wings mounded up on a platter sprinkled with green onions.